Saturday, December 29, 2012


So, I'm setting out to challenge myself. To write more. To get the blog going again.

And holy crap have things changed around here at Blogger. It's going to take me a week to find everything. Maybe even longer.

In the year I've been remiss on writing, there are blogs I no longer follow and new blogs I've found that I absolutely love.

Honestly, I'm a little concerned that I don't remember how to do this thing.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

I Don't Know

I have to say, the last few years have been trying. Physically, mentally, emotionally, financially.

I feel empty, discarded, used up, tired, unappreciated. Disturbed, angry, frustrated, and misunderstood.

A lot of it seems to focus around my marriage. The frustration, anger, lack of appreciation, misunderstandings. I feel I have nothing to give, no more words to say. Nothing I say seems to be heard, understood, empathized with. I imagine he feels the same. We're both on the defense. Both into self-protection. We each want our own needs met before we will consider helping the other.

I've read and researched until my fingers bleed and eyes go blurry. I cannot find any words that really say what I feel. Finding my own words doesn't seem to work either. I'm often met with a blank stare, a disapproving scowl, or a flat-out refusal to believe that is how I'm feeling. Or that I shouldn't feel or be that way because it doesn't make any sense.

So, instead of trying to find the words of others to say what I'm feeling, I'm going to really start working on finding them within myself.

What are the big issues for me? The things that wear me down, wear me out. That seem to suck the life out of me.

Asking for and not receiving help.
The repetition of requests falling on deaf ears
The laughter when I'm upset/frustrated/angry
Ill-placed humor
Being forced to show physical attention (hugs, kisses, etc)
Lack of noticing what is before you
Lack of understanding/empathy
Ignoring the very basics of what is me. (personal space tops this list)
Constant noise
And likely a lot more

One topic at a time. Thinking. Dissecting. Will it change anything? Who knows.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Just a little gripe...

I'm feeling a little bitchy. Probably because I seldom like being told what I can/can't do.

I put a post on my Facebook page yesterday. A simple post really. I'd heard there'd been an accident in town at one of our large employers, and Life Flight was called in. So that's all I put. Nothing more. Nothing less.

And I got my fingers smacked, although virtually. Nothing from that place is supposed to be put on Facebook, per the warning from the onsite big boss and higher-ups from the main office. This warning has been sent out several employees. Employees...which I am not. I simply live in the same town and know people that work there. Everyone in town knows someone who does/has worked there.

So anyone in that area of town at the appointed time would have heard sirens, seen ambulances, maybe even saw Life Flight coming in. It's NOT a secret that something happened there yesterday. And as a non-employee, their social media rules do not apply to me. I divulged no confidential information. No names. No implication of liability. I simply stated there'd been an accident and I was praying for whomever was injured. Period.

So no, I'm not taking down my post. Period.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Do you ever have a moment when something sparks a memory from the very dim recesses of your mind? There's a little tendril of time, flimsy as smoke, trying so hard to come forward. But try as you might, you just can't reach it. The air of so many thoughts, so many things, just disperse that smokey trail until nothing is left.

I hate moments like that. Hate them. Where's Dumbledore and his Pensieve when you need him??

Monday, April 9, 2012

I've been away far too long!

Like 2 years too long. Life is messy. Life is busy. Time to start clearing the head again. No way to retrace the last 2 years, so let's just start with today.

Ok, not today. We'll back up about a month. I got sick. Really sick. The doctor at the weekend clinic and my personal doctor both agree: diverticulitis. About 2 weeks after the first incident, another incident, with some different symptoms. Possibly an issue elsewhere in the colon, or maybe it's an ulcer in the lower stomach or duodenum. Regardless, I'm now scheduled for scopes to check what's happening there...from start to finish. YUCK! As distasteful as it sounds and will be, I want answers. How bad is it? Is there any permanent damage/scarring? Where do we go from here? Lay it all out because I have a life to get on with.

And therein lies my major point. I have a life. The diagnosis is going to mean some lifestyle changes; I get that. However, I refuse to believe it's going to be a life sentence. Yes, I'll have it the rest of my life. No, I'm not willing to let it be the black cloud of doom in my life that brings along misery and a sense of foreboding.

I refuse to sit back worrying and wondering when the next attack is going to hit me. I refuse to believe that management is out of my control. I refuse to let this control me. There have been a lot of advancements in the treatment of intestinal disorders in recent years, and I refuse to believe that the methods of 20-30-40 years ago still apply.

If it turns out a certain food doesn't agree with me, I'll avoid it. But not because someone tells me I must avoid it at all cost.

I'll take fiber supplements if I need a little extra boost. But not because someone tells me I must in order to survive. I'd rather eats lots of fruits and veggies than drink sandy orange juice.

See, I just don't react well when someone says I can't or must, simply because that's how it works for them. Especially when the conventional way of thinking has changed. While I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that suffers from this, and it's nice to have support from someone familiar, I'm pretty sure my doctor and I can handle the decisions that will work best for me.

And for pete's sake, stop asking every 5 minutes if I'm ok. If I'm feeling like crap, trust me, you'll know. Everyone will know. Or maybe not; maybe I'll just tuck myself in my room and chill.

There now, I feel better. :)