Sunday, November 4, 2012

I Don't Know

I have to say, the last few years have been trying. Physically, mentally, emotionally, financially.

I feel empty, discarded, used up, tired, unappreciated. Disturbed, angry, frustrated, and misunderstood.

A lot of it seems to focus around my marriage. The frustration, anger, lack of appreciation, misunderstandings. I feel I have nothing to give, no more words to say. Nothing I say seems to be heard, understood, empathized with. I imagine he feels the same. We're both on the defense. Both into self-protection. We each want our own needs met before we will consider helping the other.

I've read and researched until my fingers bleed and eyes go blurry. I cannot find any words that really say what I feel. Finding my own words doesn't seem to work either. I'm often met with a blank stare, a disapproving scowl, or a flat-out refusal to believe that is how I'm feeling. Or that I shouldn't feel or be that way because it doesn't make any sense.

So, instead of trying to find the words of others to say what I'm feeling, I'm going to really start working on finding them within myself.

What are the big issues for me? The things that wear me down, wear me out. That seem to suck the life out of me.

Asking for and not receiving help.
The repetition of requests falling on deaf ears
The laughter when I'm upset/frustrated/angry
Ill-placed humor
Being forced to show physical attention (hugs, kisses, etc)
Lack of noticing what is before you
Lack of understanding/empathy
Ignoring the very basics of what is me. (personal space tops this list)
Constant noise
And likely a lot more

One topic at a time. Thinking. Dissecting. Will it change anything? Who knows.

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