Saturday, March 23, 2013

Great Plagues in History

Happy Saturday all. It's the perfect day to brush up on our history. Yes, school on a Saturday. Get over it.

How many remember anything about the great plagues in history? You should; they were monumental. Catastrophic. Worldwide game-changers. Thanks to this fine website, I found a tidy list of plagues and epidemics to refer to. Some of the highlights:

1. Smallpox. This disease alone is responsible for hundreds of millions of deaths before being eradicated in the 1970's.

Photo credit

2. The Spanish Flu. In two short years, this epidemic (pandemic?) managed to kill upwards of 100 million people in the early 20th Century.

Photo credit

3. The Black Death or Black Plague. Over the course of 300+ years and many pandemics, this set of diseases killed an estimated 75 million people.
Photo credit

There are many more listed. Go read up on them, I'll wait right here. Go. I'm going to get another cup of coffee while I wait.

So now that all that is fresh, lets explore some other plagues in history. Those would be the plagues that hit my house. Without mercy, these epidemics wear me out, wear me down, and are the leading reason I have a standing reservation at the funny farm down the road. I'm not adding pictures to these. That would be too frightening.

1. The Curious Case of the Always Empty Ice Trays. Seriously, how hard is to run that little tray under a stream of water and tuck it back in the freezer? Scratch that. They do end up back in the freezer more times than not, but they are bone-dry empty. I have a freezer with an ice machine. It broke several years ago and I'm too damn cheap to get it fixed. And I'm always the one left holding the empty try when it's time for a nice cold drink.

2. The Great Zoo Catastrophe, AKA Lions, and Tiger, and Bears, OH MY! Ok, I don't have lions or tigers, or even bears for that matter. But I do have five dogs and four cats in residence. And yes, this is an epidemic of my own making. Puppies and kittens are too damn cute for me to resist. Especially when they're lost or abandoned. It's a pity they have to grow up. Anyways... They bark and meow, fight and chase, growl and hiss, and howl and whine. To the point I am bat-shit crazy most days. No, I'm not going to add any bats. There are enough living in my head. Just this morning, the two youngest dogs came running for the door to come back inside. I made the grievous error of turning my back on them to open said door. Next thing I know, I'm on my ass because they didn't get the brakes locked down fast enough. At least I fell on the biggest one to break my fall. Asshole.

3. Buckle up, this is the big one. Death By Testosterone. 20+ years ago, I married the love of my life. He's a guy (obviously). Through the years, we were blessed with two wonderful children. Both boys. Over the course of our lives together, we've had countless pets. Most of whom have been male. See the trend? Man...boys...males. Way too much fucking testosterone around me. It's poisonous! I can't single-handedly produce enough estrogen to counteract it. I'm frequently driven to the relative safety of my bedroom  by all the belching, farting, scratching, and general lack of decorum. At least until they figure out where I've gone and invade en masse.

I'm going to go hide in the laundry room today. It's a sure bet they won't find me down there.

No comments:

Post a Comment