Today Is Definitely Monday

Happy Birthday, My Love

2010-02-07T15:29:00.003-07:00

To...
the man I married nearly 19 years ago.
the wonderful father of my children.
the man who loves me, despite my faults.
the man whose strength and resolve continue to amaze me.
the man I couldn't imagine living without.

Happy Birthday!

It's a curse

2010-02-06T09:30:00.018-07:00

Be careful what you wish for.

Some years ago, after settling comfortably into the waters of marriage, we decided it was time for children. I remember lying in bed talking to God, and I asked him nicely to give me boys. I didn't think I could handle girls, for various reasons. First on the list being the drama. Second on the list, well, I'm a girl and I know what they're capable of.

So God, in his infinite wisdom granted my wish. I got two great boys out of the deal. Exactly what I asked for. I had no idea the snowball effect that would cause.

The oldest is pretty much a jock. He's into football and wrestling, sports populated by violence and blood. Bragging rights include declarations of slamming people into the ground, giving and receiving concussions, and breaking noses. Blood is a merit badge for this kid. But he's a good kid. And a cute kid. See?

The youngest is an aspiring jock, having tried football, wrestling, and cross-country. He's found a niche in wrestling. Again, possibly for the bragging rights. He's also the kid who dismantles everything. EVERYTHING! He wants to be an inventor, even though he hates math. Well, who needs math anyway. Last week, he took apart the treadmill I scored for free. The incline function wouldn't work. He couldn't fix it, but did figure out the problem. He's also a good kid, and a cute kid. See?

Now for the snowball effect.

We are an animal loving family. We have had, and always will have cats and dogs in residence. Currently, we have two dogs and five cats.

The big guy is Mike's dog...130+ pounds of American Bulldog man-dog.

The other dog is a Heinz 57 of boisterous, crazy, idiotic male cow dog. Don't be fooled...he's no longer the cute puppy in the picture.

Do you sense a pattern yet?

Now for the cats. Actually, four of them are kittens. Cute as can be with personalities as individual (and warped-crazy) as they are.

Cute, right? ALL MALES!

But if there are kittens, there is a mama, right?

You bet! But she's a raging beyotch!

In a moment of stupidity, I got rid of the female kitten...it seemed easier than having her spayed. What was I thinking?? And, of course, she was ADORABLE.

A bevy of frustrations...

2010-01-30T13:09:00.002-07:00

The dog chewed a shoe. One shoe to the one pair that one son possesses.

The other dog opened the door and let all the cats out. While everyone in the house was asleep. The subsequent round-up was successful, however.

Communication between Mike and I seems to have devolved into a battle of "he said...she said".

Sigh.

Catching up

2010-01-23T11:27:00.004-07:00

So I've spent the last 2 weekends trying to catch up on the blogs I like to read. Oh my gosh there's been a lot going on while I had my nose plastered to the screen of Facebook!

Not that I don't love you Facebook, because clearly I do. But sometimes nothing communicates better than a blog.

Carry on while I continue to catch up.

To blog or not to blog

2010-01-23T10:11:00.002-07:00

I started blogging years ago as a way of emptying my head. It helps to write things down to put them in perspective, find answers, institute solutions, or just make room for more crap.

But it's hard to blog when the things that take up space involve other people. People who may not appreciate their information and problems being talked about. So what's a person to do?

I'm not sure and I haven't found the answer to that yet.

You know it's time when...

2010-01-10T13:15:00.004-07:00

I may have mentioned some time ago that our cat had kittens. In fact, she had kittens, five of them, in August. August 5th, to be exact. We still have the kittens. Yes, I've procrastinated on finding new homes for them. I knew I'd keep two of them, but which two? How is a person to choose when they're all so damn cute??

Mike has been bugging me since they were eight weeks old, "Are you going to get rid of these guys?" At 12 weeks old, "I'm going to have the kids load them up and take them to Wal-Mart if you don't get rid of them." At four months old, "I'm going to turn them loose outside if you don't get rid of them." And now, five months old, "Are you EVER going to get rid of all these cats??"

Now, you see, they've reached the point their personalities are really becoming evident. We have the cuddler, the trouble-makers, the independent-yet-lovey one, and the sweet little girl. I love all of them and tear up thinking about giving any one of them away.

But yesterday was a pivotal moment in the care and consideration of the cats.

I needed litter and food, two items that I must buy with GREAT regularity. Yesterday, I needed to restock both at the same time.

I bought 20 lbs of food, which will last a bit more than a week. And I bought 56 lbs of litter.

56 freakin' pounds

I'm such a bad blogger.

2010-01-10T12:04:00.002-07:00

When I started blogging, I swore to myself I would post daily. Well, at least a couple times a week. Obviously, that never happened. And once I started on Facebook, my blog was just a memory. Should I make a resolution to blog more? No, I'd just break it. But maybe I can increase my blogging without the resolution.

Maybe.

Probably.

Here's the thing...

2009-11-09T22:09:00.003-07:00

I don't think the guilt is mine to bear. At least not 100%. Far less than that.

Ok, I've been remiss in getting a certain person signed up for an online defensive driving course. A course that will reduce total points by 6, making said person's driving record look better to prospective employers.

However...

I am not the one with a license full of tickets for bad driving habits. Habits that don't seem to change much, even though employers have said, "I can't hire you with your license like that."

What's that smell?

2009-11-09T21:12:00.003-07:00

Inhale deeply. Smell that? No? Well, that's because it's gone. The end...finito...hasta la vista, baby. There is no longer a STENCH coming from the kitchen sink, because the disposal is GONE.

That thing was nice, don't get me wrong. But it wasn't hooked into the drain system totally right, the dishwasher wasn't hooked into it correctly, and it frequently chewed with enough power to disconnect the drain pipe completely. Mike never responded positively to this. Never. And to top it off, the switch wasn't up on the wall where it belonged. No, someone came up with the bright idea of putting it on the front face of the bottom cupboard, right below the counter edge. Right in front of the sink. It is not a lie that everyone accidently turned it on. Like dozens of times a day.

When it broke, I was sad for...oh, about a millisecond. Then good sense kicked in and I realized I would no longer be dumping bleach by the gallon or soda by the pound through that cesspool of inadequacy.

Mike ripped it all out and totally reconstructed the drain pipe configuration. No more food chewer; no more cheap-assed pipes; no more blow-ups with nasty water going everywhere, which also means no more bucket under the sink either..

Truth be told, I don't even miss the damn food chewer.

And I'm so thankful that Mike fixed everything under there.

Following the crowd

2009-11-06T07:59:00.003-07:00

Therapists recommend concentrating on positive life events, especially in times of stress and duress. Surely it can't hurt if I try it. And when things get really bad, I try to make the positive stand out anyway. I also try to get Mike to see more positives...not easy for a chronic pessimist, I must say. Now I just need a label. Daily Gratitude? Probably overused. My Daily Thanks? My Daily Thankful? Not quite right enough.

Daily Grace.

I'm blessed to have kids that love me! Moreover, I'm blessed that my 16-yr old will, without prompting, say "I Love You, Mama!" even in the presence of all his tough 16-yr old friends.

Now, let's see if I can make it a daily habit.

What now...

2009-10-24T10:36:00.004-06:00

Life has a way of getting away from me at times. Schedules get hectic, people need things. Lots of things to do and not enough time in a day.

But what about what we all need to keep ourselves healthy? What about attending to our own needs, so we are better prepared to tend to others?

What happens when the stress is just overwhelming?

I'm a compartmentalizer. Not even sure if that is a proper word, but it's what I am; it's what I do.

Right now, there's just too many things going on. I've got so many compartments in my head where I've stashed things. Well, my head probably resembles some of the homes featured on Hoarders. It's time to start cleaning up, thinking things through, getting organized, and trying to decide what to keep and what to toss.

Actually, I could probably benefit by seeing a good therapist. But I'll think about that another day.

I'm not even entirely sure where to start. Further, I have to be careful what details I talk about, because some of it is so intensely private, other family members wouldn't appreciate me divulging details.

Finances are one of the biggest stressers (stressors?) right now. Mike has been working, but on temporary, seasonal type jobs. Those are coming to an end. Staying current and providing basic necessities is a struggle we're barely keeping up with. Yes, it could be worse. It could be a lot worse, so I'm grateful he's found the temp stuff. But winter is coming. He did get an offer from a former employer, which is a blessing. But it's also a curse, as the former employer tends to be...honestly, the man can be a royal ass, and is difficult to work for. But it's work. Full time work, even through the winter. Honestly, Mike doesn't have a choice but to take this offer.

Mike's dad continues to battle cancer. It is taking a toll even though the man is a fighter. He's started a new type of treatment and we're all saying our prayers that it helps. Mike talks to his parents daily, and I think it's helping all of them. They've gotten a lot closer during all this.

But Mike also learned of some family information decades old, that pretty much turned his world upside down. He's working through it, but it's brought out anger, disbelief, mistrust, despair, and a bevy of hurt feelings. It's spilled out over all of us, because we are a tight unit.

My side of the family isn't with its travails, either. I have a brother who recently separated with his wife, and a divorce is looming. She's moved out, the kids are going back and forth. The reasons behind the separation are difficult to grasp, harder to understand, and impossible to forget. I hate seeing my brother in pain, trying to find how to deal with his new reality, maintaining some sense of normal for their kids. And the kids don't understand. They're too young. They're too innocent. My heart breaks for the kids.

Another brother's actions are the latest cause of stress. It's not even stress. It's something far worse, that I haven't found words for. No one in the family has seen or heard from him in over a year. Many of us have been fearful of his return, as he's threatened all of us. Now he's back, having done something so horrendous it has shaken the entire family right down to the bedrock of our foundation. The road ahead is long and will be full of pain. Yet it will also bring about a sense of relief that we've all needed for way too long.

There has been so much turmoil, I've made a point of trying to find a positive aspect to each and every day. Some days, it's as simple as being thankful for a hot cup off coffee. I'm so thankful for the friends and family willing to listen. I'm eternally grateful for all their shoulders, as they've caught many of my tears. And were it not for modern medicine, I just might have fallen off the edge of reason.

I cling to the knowledge that all this will pass. Pain will lessen. Hurt will fade. Solutions will be found. And normal will return. But normal will be different. Normal will put us in a vast minority here, and in the unfortunate majority there.

Blame it on...

2009-07-14T16:05:00.003-06:00

My last blog posts coincides with the approximate time I joined that mind-sucking site. I blame it all on my friends...they insisted I NEEDED to be part of it all.

Memories of activities past

2009-05-30T09:26:00.012-06:00

I read a blog post earlier this week from Suburban Matron on the jelly wars at her house. The entry hit home, as we've serious PB&J requirements at our house.

For years, as in the first 14 years Mike and I were married, there was NEVER a jar of store-bought jelly in this house. The only exceptions might have been gift jellies, or a special flavor jelly that I picked up to curb a craving.

Years ago, I had exclusive picking rights to a friend's Concord grape vines. He didn't have much, but it was enough to make 24-36 pints of homemade jelly, depending on how well the vines set each season.

For years, I'd set aside three days for the picking, juicing, and jelly making. And by Sunday night, I'd have dozens of jars cooling. When the boys were little, that would last an entire year.

We also used to rent a house where we had plentiful plum trees on the property. Plum jelly is absolutely marvelous!

In addition, my mom would usually try to bring me fresh picked chokecherries from the family farm in North Dakota. If she couldn't get me the berries, they'd get them juiced and canned, and bring that so I could make the jelly later. Chokecherry jelly is such a favorite here, running low could easily spark a riot.

When I started school four years ago, my jelly making came to an abrupt halt. Ever since, my guys have had to live with the indignity of store jelly. And let me tell you, they weren't happy about it! The horror! I was even told by my eldest, that lack of homemade jelly could be considered child abuse. Like I said, PB&J is serious business around here.

Now that my schooling is complete, I think there's jelly in our future. I have gallons of chokecherries in the freezer from step-mom's tree (she transplanted a tree from MN and it's thriving). I have raspberries in the freezer, also from step-mom's garden. And I still have canned juice from a variety of sources, including the grapes. The juice actually works really well. If it sits for a year (or more), the solids settle which makes for a clearer final product.

I'm thinking, before the weather gets too hot, it's time to dig out the jars, the stockpots, and the water-bath canner and set aside a weekend for my own jelly wars.

My guys will fall in love with me all over again.

Today's cloud ceiling: 4 Feet

2009-05-24T11:32:00.003-06:00

(photo credit)

Occasionally, kind (and often misinformed) weatherpeople are nice enough to share the height of the weather ceiling. Useless information, unless you're a pilot, I guess.

Inside the house, however, the weather ceiling is important news.

Our bathroom lacks an exhaust vent. This time of year, at least we can open the window to help vent out some of the steam. Today, the steam line was clearly visible, right at the window sill level. Forget looking in the mirror until everyone is done and the bathroom has vented for 15 minutes.

Today's eyebrow plucking exercise was accomplished by sitting on the toilet holding the hand mirror. Plucking is difficult, at best, while suffering from the effects of a tad too much coffee.

When my bathroom grows up, it's going to have a vent. Something the size of a jet engine should do nicely.

It's not just for meals

2009-05-22T07:36:00.003-06:00

The kitchen table that is. In fact, our kitchen table rarely sees us sitting for a meal. It's more likely to see homework, internet surfing, papers for filing or tossing, and this morning, I sat to put on my makeup. Just one of the side effects of having only one bathroom and a tight morning schedule.

Lord, in my next life, could I please have a house with more than one bathroom? I just don't think a vanity would go with the kitchen decor.

I seem to have a theme for the week

2009-05-19T15:47:00.002-06:00

This must be cat week here at Blondmondays. A friend found this video today and I laughed til I cried. This is Roach in a different fur coat:

And I thought my cats were cool...

2009-05-18T15:13:00.003-06:00

Years ago, I had a cat who willingly rode in the car to get ice cream from the Dairy Queen. And I thought she was all that because of it. As it turns out, that was kids stuff compared to this cool cat...

Quiet...Blessed Quiet

2009-05-17T10:26:00.006-06:00

I absolutely LOVE Sunday mornings. They are my mornings. Everyone tends to sleep in, which for the guys means I won't hear from them until at least 10 AM. Even I sleep in, which means if I manage to stay in bed until 8, I've succeeded.

This morning, not only did I succeed, I set a record. I didn't crawl out my cozy cave until 9:05 AM.

And here I sit, nearly 90 minutes later, still basking in solitude. Mike is still sleeping, Devan is still sleeping, Dean spent the night at a friend's house, the dog is sleeping, Roach is sleeping, and Leroy is outside doing kitty chores.

It's just me, my coffee, my cigarettes, and the internet. Oh, and the birds singing up a storm.

Does life get any more perfect than this??

I think not.

There's no one here for you to look sexy for.

2009-05-16T09:22:00.003-06:00

Love is in the air. The moon and stars are in proper alignment. It's not too hot; it's not too cold.

She sashays through the room, hips swinging seductively, her eyes clearly displaying her best come-hither look. Invitingly, she leans against you, hoping beyond hope for just one caress, one long lazy stroke intended to invoke intimacy. When she speaks, the tone is unquestionably low and sexy, designed to ignite the fires of passion.

She is wanton. She is welcoming. She is every man's dream.

She is not me. She is my cat, and she is undeniably in heat. And she is ceremoniously driving everyone in the house crazy! The title of my post is a statement made by Mike as she writhed and showed off while stretching on a kitchen chair the other morning, trying to attract attention. I couldn't help but laugh.

I innocently suggested letting her "meet" my brother's cat, a handsome white, gray, and orange specimen of a man-cat. Just think of the beautiful babies they'd make together. You see, Roach (yes, that is really her name) is a gorgeous torty. Can't you just see the adorable offspring they could create?

But Mike says no. Hell no. We absolutely, positively DO NOT need anymore cats roaming the premises, beautiful or otherwise.

Sigh.

Rather than design a nursery, I called the vet. Roach will be going in June 2 to be spayed. I'm afraid to admit, if she went through another heat cycle, she'd probably end up dead at the hands of someone in this house. Very likely me.

Happy Mother's Day!!

2009-05-10T09:29:00.006-06:00

Saddle up the couch ladies, today is our day!

I went in search of a suitable picture to honor the day. You know, something heartfelt and special that would convey the deep and abiding love we have for our mother. I did find lots of those. I also found this book jacket. In my world, this is the picture of truth.

When I was a teen, that was the state of my room, much to my mother's displeasure. Now that I'm a mom, this is often the state of my house, and their bedrooms would be considered clean if they looked like that. Ahhh motherhood.

But honestly, think hard about the title of the book. I can't imagine life without my mom. She's awesome. I don't think I realized just how hard she worked at it sometimes until I became an adult and moved on. And now that I'm a mom, I couldn't imagine life without the boys that give me that honor.

See, I'm honored to be both a daughter of a great mom, and the mother of two spectacular boys.

I just have one question, why is no one awake making me breakfast?

(Book available here.)

I should know myself better than this...

2009-05-07T18:11:00.002-06:00

Is it a bad thing to have to ask your husband if that time of the month is near? Probably so.

I've had a headache off and on all week. I'm not sleeping well. The quantity is good, but the quality leaves a lot to be desired. Today, I went from exhausted, to mildly moody, to highly irritated. In between, mood tears threatened. And my boobs hurt. To the point that clothing is my enemy. But running around the office, the grocery store, and home topless is not an option. And did I mention my abdomen feels like a swimming pool still under cover for the winter? UGH!

But do I know if Aunt Flo is imminent? No, sadly I don't.

I'll be checking with Mike as soon as he gets home and cleans up. I won't be getting too close until he showers off the cow shit.

Brain Purge

2009-05-02T09:37:00.003-06:00

Nearly a month since my last entry...good grief. I've thought about it, even logged in a few times with many things to write about, but always managed to get sidetracked with something else seemingly more important.

Thinking really hard on what all those blog-worthy events were...

I did have a 'I know I'm your Mom, and I know you're 16, and I know you have a girlfriend, but I don't need to see this' moment. I came in after work just in time to see said girlfriend jump up on Devan and wrap her arms and legs around him requiring him to grab hold via a certain backside body part to prevent her from falling. What commenced was the shortest session of sizzled lip-lock that 16-yr olds can muster when they know they've been busted. And yeah, it caused a hitch in my step and the door slammed just a bit harder than intended. And yeah, it took them just a bit to collect themselves and walk out into the kitchen.

We also played host to a rabbit for an evening. The dog was banished to the kennel, but the cats were delighted to have company. I don't think the rabbit shared their enthusiasm. The girlfriend came over to borrow a computer to write a presentation for English class. The presentation was how to show a rabbit in 4-H. Because she wanted to practice the presentation, the rabbit had to come along. And Devan had the pleasure of cleaning up the piddle piles and stray rabbit turds throughout the evening. Fun times.

I've probably never admitted publicly or otherwise that I'm a chapstick whore. I have it in my purse, in my coat pocket, in my desk at work, on my nightstand, in the bathroom, in the kitchen, in my vehicle, and anywhere else it might be necessary. I'm also known to keep monthly supplies in many of the same areas. Well, except for the kitchen. And what's the connection? Well, I'll tell you. A Tampax Compak Pearl that has come out of its wrapper in your pocket feels remarkably like a tube of chapstick when you're searching by feel. Thankfully I was alone when I whipped it out of my pocket. Just a note, I've never found a chapstick that has a string attached. And yeah, I did eventually clean out my coat pocket to stash the monthlies in a more suitable purse pocket.

I now have less than a month to prepare for my Mom's first visit of the year. I desperately need to clean up the office/guest room or Mike is going to do it for me. I was sorting files, papers, computer crap, etc and didn't finish the job. There is crap everywhere! And the cats, in their quest to always assist me in whatever I'm doing, have disrupted the carefully categorized piles, requiring me to start sorting anew. I promised to do it this weekend. And don't you know the weather is cooperating nicely? It's supposed to rain all weekend ensuring that I'll spend little time outside planting flowers. So thoughtful of Mother Nature to help me out. I also promised to tackle the computer corner in the kitchen. It's scary to look at. Too scary to even talk about.

Jinxed

2009-04-05T08:56:00.003-06:00

Did I really say that my stress level was retreating? I should have known better. That simple statement immediately jinxed my day.

Yesterday included a milestone moment. One that every parent knows will arrive, yet no parent wants to experience.

Devan had his first car accident. And it was a doozy.

He and a friend were on their way back to work after lunch. In fact, I looked out the kitchen window right at the moment they both drove past the house, heading south, one right after the other.

Five minutes later, my phone rang, "Mom, please come and get me. Mike hit me." I can't describe the tone and feeling in his voice, or my immediate, and absolutely visceral reaction to hearing it. If more than two minutes elapsed between the time I got the call and hit the road, I'd be surprised.

The adrenaline kicked in before I was 1/4 mile away from the house. On a 35 mph road, I was flying at 65, flashers going, hands clenched on the wheel. When I arrived on the scene and jumped out, my knees nearly buckled.

I saw Mike's pickup from about 1/4 miles away; the front passenger corner mashed and crinkled, the tire at an obviously undrivable angle. As I got closer, I saw Devan's pickup. Sitting out in the field, everything on the driver's side from the back jump seat to the bumper pushed in and mangled. The driver's door was completely pushed in, frame warped, window gone. A trail of debris from the corner to the stopping point, probably some 150 feet.

A mom doesn't like to see such things.

His friend had a passenger, and Devan was driving solo. All three boys were walking around. Devan had a few cuts on his face, and the blood was already clotted and drying. The friend who was driving was shaking like a leaf, but bore no visible blood. His passenger didn't have any visible blood either, but was confused, unsure of where he was or what had transpired. I sat him down in the ditch next to my truck and called 911.

With the renewed surge of adrenaline running through my system, it took me a few extra seconds to figure out which intersection we were at. The 911 dispatcher had me running from vehicle to vehicle looking for leaking fluids. Finally, she informed me that sheriff's deputies and an ambulance were on the way. About that time, the friend's dad pulled up, so at least I had help keeping the boys calmed down.

The passenger was trying to talk to his mom on his cell, but wasn't getting anywhere because of the confusion. I asked him for his phone and talked to her. She was remarkable calm considering she was talking to a stranger, had talked to her son who couldn't remember anything, and had no idea where we were.

It must have taken a good 15 minutes for authorities to arrive, with paramedics right behind them. They checked out all the kids and loaded the passenger up for a trip to the hospital. They were certain he had a concussion, but weren't sure of the severity.

Devan's cuts and scrapes were from all the flying glass when his window shattered. Back home, while showering off the glass and blood, he found an impressive goose egg on his head. That explains the shattered side window.

All in all, the boys were extremely lucky. They were likely driving too fast and both earned tickets; Devan for failure to signal a turn and the other boy for following too close. The officer was extremely nice, more than fair, and even gave the boys a quick lecture about taking care.

Both pickups are likely totaled. I know Devan's is. Needless to say, in a match between a Ranger (Devan's) and a full-sized F150, the F150 won.

We haven't been able to get a complete report yet on how the other boy checked out at the ER. I'm going to place a call to the friend's parents this morning and try to find out.

Meanwhile, the fun will really start tomorrow when the insurance process starts.

I'm just thankful that everyone is ok and they weren't seriously hurt. Thinking back to the scene, it could have been much worse. There were three guardian angels putting in overtime yesterday.

Stellan

2009-04-04T10:38:00.001-06:00

I just spent an emotional two hours catching up on a blog I follow.

Stress reduction plan

2009-04-04T08:51:00.003-06:00

My stress level has dropped so much, I'm nearly in a coma.

I'm finally done with school! Final GPA is a 2.95; not great, but perfectly acceptable. I still have to do my diploma application and order my cap and gown. I decided to walk the graduation ceremony in Boise, after a lot of internal debate. I just couldn't decide while I was still going through classes, but after about a week of no school work, the decision was easy.

Mike has been home for about a month, which reduces my stress even further. I'm now free to say "Go ask your Dad." to every question put to me. He heads back to AL on Easter Sunday, and is scheduled to be gone for five weeks. We don't know if the job will last that much longer, but the hope is there. But if he comes back home, he's got a job waiting with a friend of his. More stress gone!

After the defeat of watching his pickup burn in the driveway months ago, he found a replacement. It's another Duramax, now named Maxine. She's a fancy one, she is. Complete with DVD player and game hookups - a definite plus from the kids' point of view. I haven't driven her too much, but the 13th will be here quickly.

He also bought a chainsaw while he's been home, and we've started putting up wood for the next heating season. We still need to get the stove put in, which means getting the washer and dryer installed in the basement, but those are great summer projects. He's pretty sure he's going to have the chimney professionally installed so we have someone else to call if it should leak.

I had the dog fixed about a month ago. It's amazing what the lack of balls does for settling them down. He's still an excitable idiot, but a less excitable idiot.

There are a lot of other little things I should've written about; cute or funny little things that are now lost forever. Things the boys did that I would love to be able to look back on, but now cannot. But with more time on my hands, maybe I'll get better about jotting those things down.

In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out how to live life without the perpetual stack of books, homework, and papers to be written.

There might even be a garden in my future this summer!

Look Mom, I can get dressed all by myself!

2009-02-25T12:22:00.003-07:00

You know how they say the third time is the charm? Well, evidently, it applies to dressing oneself. This week did not start well at all in the "dressing yourself" catagory.

Monday, in a haze after only 4 hours of sleep and in the dark of the laundry room, I managed to grab 2 bras and no undies.

Tuesday, I managed the right garments, but noticed on the way out the house that I could see my bra through my shirt. There wasn't time to totally change, so I grabbed a hoodie on the way out the door, only to discover the zipper pull was missing. I wore it anyway and fought to zip the damn thing up all the way to work. Then, if that wasn't bad enough, on my second trip into the bathroom after arriving at work, I discovered my undies were inside out. WTF? It's not like I got dressed in the dark.

So today, I took great pains when picking clothes and getting dressed. I made sure the lights were on and I checked everything twice. I'm so on the damn ball today, my socks even coordinate with my shirt.

Just don't ask how my mascara looks...

Life's Milestones

2009-02-21T10:35:00.003-07:00

So Tuesday of this past week was a milestone. I turned 40. Theoretically, half my life is over. 40. How did I get here? Does it really mean anything?

The week preceeding Black Tuesday (as I wrote on my calendar) was full of deep, dark thoughts. It was hard to wrap my head around 40. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel about it. Actually, now that I've tried it on for a few days, I'm still not so sure.

It's not like I was losing sleep over the whole thing, but it definitely snuck into my immediate thoughts on more than one occasion.

My building mate put together a little surprise party at the office. She's thoughtful that way. When I got back from my post office run, there was cake and ice cream, and a building full of people. Actually, it was nice. And it was a lot of fun. And it was just another day.

Until last night. Dean talked me into buying the new electronic version of Monopoly. It's his smile. When he turns up the wattage, I'm powerless. Anyway, the boys and I are in the middle of a heated battle to make our millions and Dean looks me right in the eye and says...

"Uh, Mom...you have a lot of wrinkles around your eyes."

Sigh. Last night, I really felt 40. And today, I just might go shopping for a really good eye cream.

UNCLE!

2009-02-12T19:43:00.003-07:00

Dammit, did you hear me?? I said UUUNCLE!

I have so had enough.

They say the good Lord doesn't give you any more than you can handle. Can I sit the next round out? I'm getting real tired of handling.

I'm not a whiner by nature. Really. And once I get past the initial stress, I do pretty well dealing with things as they come up. Though I do owe some - ok, many - thanks to Celexa.

I've already talked about my father-in-law who is battling cancer. Part is untreatable, part is treatable. He's doing really good, for now. I haven't heard what the outcome was of the 6 bladder treatments is. Come to think of it, I don't think they'll know until next month.

After we got back from visiting the in-laws in December, Mike found out the boss had laid off everyone during that week. After giving a multitude of promises that things were fine, they had plenty of work, yada, yada, yada. Just let me blow some smoke up your asses boys so I can feel good about myself.

So Mike, by the grace of God, does find another job. But it's out of town. Right now it's in Alabama. He works 3-4 weeks straight, then comes home for a week. He's home this week.

He came home to 2 vehicles that needed maintenance. While doing routine maintenance on his, it blew a brake line. Just after one of the boys had driven it. Scared him senseless. He finished the maintenance and fixed the brake line and moved it out of the garage last night so he could put mine in. Mine is also having braking issues.

Back up just a couple days. Devan's wrestling coach told him he needed to see a doctor about a mat burn on his ear. It didn't look quite right. Mike takes him in early Monday morning. The doctor doesn't want to open it up to get a sample for a culture because that will just be another exposure to infection. But...it looks like a full-blown staph infection. As I read his notes on our copy of the paperwork, way down in the bottom amidst the other scribbles is one that stands out...MSRA??? You've got to be shitting me. That would be the one that keeps putting kids in the hospital, on IV antibiotic drips, parents holding vigil, and some of them die. That MRSA. He's on some high-powered antibiotics and is supposed to go back for reevaluation on Saturday or Sunday.

And today is the topper. Mike calls me at work. I hadn't even been there an hour. "Hon, I need you to call the insurance office. My pickup is burning in the driveway." WTF??? I was up and grabbing my shit, yelling down the hall for my building mate to call my boss, and out the door in about 10 seconds flat. I had to get through the roadblock down the street by screaming at the cop that the fire was at MY HOUSE DAMMIT! By the time I got home, the flames were out and it was a hissing, smoldering mess. There's foam all over the truck, all over the driveway, all over our 2 storage buildings. There's a gazillion volunteer firemen in my yard, and I arrived just in time to see Mike wing his keys into the air. The hat went next.

He has never had a truck this nice. Ever. It was a 2002 GMC HD 2500 Duramax Diesel. Fully loaded except for the automatic ass wiper. This thing had more bells and whistles than a carnival. We agonized over buying it. Dumped all our savings into the down payment. Scrimped to make payments during the winter. Cursed when it needed tires last year. Praised it for hauling everything and anything. It was our Max. It is now a hunk of charred metal, melted plastic, sizzled wires, on $1000 worth of brand new tires that still hold air. The firefighter we talked to said it looked like the block heater had a malfunction. A malfunction. Really? Generally, a malfunction doesn't put me in the mind of TOTAL FUCKING LOSS.

The insurance adjuster has been here. Even though it only burned from the windshield forward, it is a total loss. That diesel motor is worth a lot to replace. And the transmission. Don't forget the front transfer case. All the electronics and computer. Two fenders. One hood. And plastic. Who knew there was that much plastic on the front end?

Mike had to run down to the insurance office to sign some power-of-attorney paperwork. Since we are both on the title, his signature will be needed for all the final paperwork. He's leaving for Alabama on Sunday and won't be here to sign anything for who knows how long. This way, the adjuster can sign in his absence and I will provide the other necessary signature. Dealing with insurance is never good. Never.

I'm so ready for a boring few months. No major upheavals. No medical emergencies. No calls to emergency services. Just a boring life of TV, meatloaf, and playing couch potato.

Is that too much to ask?

Amazing video

2009-02-04T20:40:00.005-07:00

I just found this on another blog I read. There just aren't words...

Is that amazing, or what?

Have I mentioned my pets annoy me?

2009-02-04T20:15:00.002-07:00

The other day, I posted about them. As it turns out, Sunday mornings isn't the only time they irritate me. The dog is just being an ass and the kitten eggs him on. He woke me up from a nap by putting his head as close to mine as he could without actually touching me, and barking. He's got a big bark. I nearly jumped out of my skin. The kitten came careening out of the kitchen, did a NASCAR lap around the living room, coming to a stop on the back of the couch above me. Of course the dog is obligated to give chase...by going over me. Then he spilled my soda. Which puddled under my brand new book. Then he drank some. Eau de dog breath with a hint of Mt. Dew. Like he doesn't have enough energy already.

And just about then, Mike called. And coined a new phrase. He told me to call him back when I wasn't so grumpy because he didn't like calling and getting the "back side of bitch" attitude that I was sharing. To protect myself and others, I remained silent.

The Trouble Twins

2009-02-01T09:05:00.005-07:00

No, not the kids. The animals. Specifically the dog, a 120ish pound American Bulldog just over a year old, and a cute as a bug 6-month old torty kitten. Both have the reputation of being hell on wheels when they wake up in the morning. All that stored up energy just waiting to explode. Just like little kids, when they sleep they store energy at exponential rates and can't wait to turn it loose when their eyes open.

We (the animals and I) had the house to ourselves last night. Mike is still in Alabama, Devan stayed at his grandparents, and Dean went to a friend's house. Oh the blessed quiet; well, except for Herc (the dog) and Roach (the kitten). If they're awake, they're usually in trouble.

We decided as a group to head to bed early, watch a bit of TV and catch up on our magazine reading. That also means the other two cats will join the party in short order. Six, who must always have her pudgy self on top of me at all times, and Leroy, who can ignore absolutely everything around him. An admirable male trait, to be sure.

It was lights out shortly after 11 and everyone fell fast asleep. At 1:30, Herc wanted out, despite the fact he went out at 11. At 3:45, Herc wanted out, despite the fact he'd been out at 11 and 1:30. I try not to complain, as the alternative is far less amusing.

Sundays are for sleeping in; as much as I can convince my internal clock to do so. If I make it to 8, I've done really well. At 7:19 my phone buzzed with a text message. 7:19. AM. On a Sunday morning. It's Mike: "What ya doin up yet?" It took me three tries to write back that I was trying to sleep. Ten minutes later, the phone buzzed again. "Well kick your boyfriend out and get up call me when u are up 4 good." The boyfriend, Leroy, chirped to show his unamusement. Six started purring in my ear. The dog stopped snoring and stretched enough to move the foot stool and chair. And Roach decided it was play time. Before long, she had everyone awake. The dog started whining to go out; Six started plowing circles around my head; and Leroy stretched out across my feet.

For 45 minutes, Herc and Roach played and ran circles through the house. Herc got into the laundry and I guess he shared the fun with Roach. He came through the kitchen gnawing on a pair of Devan's shorts and Roach was right behind him proudly carrying one of my fuzzy socks.

Now, everyone except me is enjoying their morning nap. I'm too wide awake to even think about it. Damn animals. I really love my pets...except for Sunday mornings.

How to lose 6 hours in the blink of an eye...

2009-01-31T13:55:00.005-07:00

Turn on the computer. Really, that's all it takes.

What starts innocently enough as checking email and news headlines, quickly morphs into a black hole of other activities. Of course I read email, answering a few, forwarding a few; I checked the news on three national sites, as well as the local paper; and then trouble hit.

The simple act of a couple games of cards turned into at least 30 minutes. Dealing with numbers sets off multiple notes to self that are rolling around in my head.

I haven't updated my finances in Quicken in over a week, so better enter deposits, checks and payments. But wouldn't it be easier to set up some of my accounts as loans so I can track the balance with the statement? Absolutely. I've no idea the time I spent playing in Quicken. And I've made a committment to myself to keep everything on the computer from now on so that taxes aren't such a nightmare. Crap...taxes.

I'm pretty sure I have everything I need to do our 2008 taxes. Pull the pile off the shelf and start sorting. Recalculate Mike's expenses for traveling after finding a new stack of receipts. Double check the total for medical expenses. Gather W-2s, interest statements, mortgage statement, school loan statement. Put everything together neatly in two manila envelopes, labeled with name and contents. Whoops, also need the 2007 return for the CPA. Check. Add to envelope.

Now double check everything! Set aside to drop at office. I could easily do that when I take Dean's friend home because I'm going to be in the area. As long as I'm doing that, I may as well load up the excess trash collected from Devan's room (that tale for another time) and take it to the shop dumpster. Hmmm, side-tracked thoughts; let's stay on task.

It's handy working in the same building as the company CPA. It's been years since I've had anyone do our taxes. (One year about 14 years ago when we moved; I didn't want to mess with moving expenses, federal and two state returns.) I started out doing them by hand then got into HR Block online, and finally TurboTax. I've always felt confident doing my own, even in recent years when more and more things factor into the mix. But this year...not so much, despite having a tax class under my belt. Honestly, I just don't have the time.

Since Mike is working out of state, I'm the only adult around, so my responsibilities and chore list have grown. Or I delegate and have to supervise results. Plus, I'm trying to finish school (only 6 1/2 weeks left!). I'm working. And I'm tired.

Figuring I wouldn't like the answer, I asked the CPA how much he'd charge to do our taxes. He asked a few questions about what we'd have, thought it over a bit, and announced all he would charge is the filing fee for our 2nd state return. So I'm getting my federal, Idaho, and Oregon done for roughly $20. UNFREAKINBELIEVABLE!! He figures we trade favors, etc back and forth enough that it will come out in the wash. The man is awesome and beyond generous!

But I still have a table full of papers that I need to sort, file, or pitch. Maybe I'll save it for just a bit and take a break.

Edit

The guilt is too much. Must clean up the papers now. Can't shower since the dishwasher is running anyway.

While sorting papers, find yet another envelope of receipts for 2007. Medical and work-related travel. UGH! Moan, groan, and mutter expletives under breath. Say screw it, get a bowl of sugar covered kid's cereal and sit down for just a couple more games of cards. And lose yet another hour...

I should blog this

2009-01-22T19:11:00.002-07:00

Every single day something happens that makes me think, "I should blog this." And more and more days go by that contain no blog entries of any sort. Such is a busy life.

I'm slowly working on picking myself up by the bootstraps and being productive again. Certainly my self-imposed break from school was necessary for my sanity. However, having 4 weeks of total freedom from class leaves a lot of time to fill. I did a lot of chillin' with the guys and a lot of time parked on my ass reading. I lost count of the books and magazines I read.

So when class time rolled back around, well the TBR pile on my bookshelf, and even some of my classic favorites were infinitely more interesting that auditing. Auditing is just not that fun. At all. I'm one of those quirky number loving fools, and I hate auditing. So I dug my feet in and put off the inevitable. I didn't read, didn't join discussion, and fell a week behind. I'm back on track...but just barely.

And it didn't help that Mike is out of town. After we returned from SC, he found out everyone had been laid off. Despite many fervent promises from the boss that everything was just fine and there was plenty of work to do. He made calls. He drove all over the valley talking to everyone he knows. There were a few promising positions, but in the end nothing panned out.

After 3 weeks, he was put in contact with someone he worked for about 5 years ago. The company works all over the nation and had a job going strong in Alabama. Would he like to come back?

What a hard decision. Stay here without work and fall further and further behind on bills, or take a GREAT paying job and go to Alabama. But really, it was a hard decision. He hates being on the road for weeks at a time. And we hate him being gone for weeks at a time.

For the first week and a half, I lost direction. I wasn't motivated to do a damn thing but lie on the couch and read or watch tv. The laundry piled up. The pet hair piled up. Meals were forgotten. The boys were basically on their own. God bless them for being self-sufficient, because I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain.

But things are slowly righting themselves. I'm getting involved in class, meals are coming around, I've done some thorough cleaning and tossing. I think the boys are glad I'm being productive again. I know I am.

Mike will be home on the 7th, his birthday. He thinks he'll be around for about a week before he has to go back. I can't wait! I just can't wait.

Sheesh, where have I been??

2008-11-17T21:26:00.003-07:00

It's been so long, I don't remember what all has happened.

For today, I've had enough.

Trying to plan a family trip to South Carolina to visit the in-laws. My father-in-law has cancer that is not responding favorably to treatment. It's in his bladder. They want to operate to remove the bladder, but can't. All the meds he's been taking have messed up his heart rhythm, and until that straightens out, he remains on the treatment that is offering no cure. They are down, depressed, and need some cheering. My brother-in-law thinks a visit from us would go a long way toward cheering them up and is working the OT to put us on a plane.

I'm awed by his thoughtfulness and generosity. Simply awed.

God knows we are stone cold broke and can't afford to fly out on our own. Someday, we'll be able to return the generosity...someday.

And I just found out today that my brother hasn't been seen or heard from since last Thursday. My paranoid schizophrenic brother. His history with this is long and I won't get into it here. However, the last time he went off meds, the paranoia and delusions set in like flies. He ended up nearly homicidal and certainly suicidal. He's had run-ins with two family members in the last month that weren't pretty. Now no one knows where he is, if he's ok, or what his state of mind is.

Right now, I just want to crawl in bed and sleep for a couple days.

Cheese and Whine (Subtitled: I just don't wanna!)

2008-08-02T13:00:00.004-06:00

I've a day of homework planned.

Things I'd rather be doing:

Deep cleaning my house with a thimble bucket and toothbrush

Catching up on the office filing

Balancing my checkbook

Giving both my cats baths

Snorkeling in a shark tank

Skydiving

Algebra homework with my 15-yr old who hates math

Those are all things I loathe, don't see the point in, scare the shit out of me, or that I will put off until the last possible minute. All sound much more inviting and fun than the homework I have in front of me.

Anyone got some tasty cheese to accompany my whine?

Doctor's report

2008-07-20T09:41:00.003-06:00

I'm going to live after all.

All my test results are back. Blood sugar - fine. Thyroid - fine. Liver - fine. Kidneys - fine. Blood count - fine. Cholesterol - fine. So the diagnosis right now is "the patient has a history of anxiety and depression, coupled with a large amount of immediate stressors."

I'm now on a little happy pill for anxiety, and it seems to be making a difference. There are still things I worry about, but they don't take on world-ending proportions like they did a few weeks ago.

I'm also making a point to sleep when tired, and that hasn't been a problem with my schedule lately. Simply put, most days I'm exhausted. She gave me something to help me sleep, but I've only had to use it once.

Now if Mike and I could just get on track, life would be just about perfect.

Was that the couch calling me?

2008-07-06T11:43:00.002-06:00

I'm not really sure I can improve much on the silence right now.

It's almost noon and I'm still in my jammies. And I'm seriously thinking of heading to the couch for a movie. My luck, someone will drop in unexpectly. I just don't feel like being productive.

Yesterday, we started ripping apart our back yard. Mike brought home a mini-excavator from work. We He ripped out the sidewalk. We He stripped off a spot by the back door to be graveled for me to park. We He stripped off another section of ~~grass~~ weeds, which will be styled with walking stones and gravel. We He broke up the old sidewalk to create the walking stones. And we he sculpted the excess dirt into a mound where I can put future plantings.

Truly, our yard looks like shit. Well, not where we're making improvements, but everywhere else. The grass has never grown nicely since the day we moved in. We have no idea what the previous tenants did to it, other than completely neglect it. We've watered. We've fertilized. And still the weeds are all that really grow. The only reason I keep putting water on it is to try to save the trees. All of which somehow managed to survive the neglect from past years. Well, except the willow-type specimen that we had to take out last summer.

And with costs for everything going up, up, UP, eliminating some of the grass in favor of lower maintenance plants should benefit us in the long run. Getting there, however, will take a couple summers.

Somehow during all the work, I managed to get a nice sunburn. Nice, except that it looks like a patchwork quilt on my legs. Don't know how I managed that. White here, red there. It's attractive, I'm sure. And jeans are out for today.

And after a long and sweaty day of work, I was awake with the birds this morning. Just like clockwork, my eyes popped open at 7:00 am. I have fond memories of the days I could sleep in without even trying.

Hmmm, the rest of the crowd isn't moving too fast either. Maybe I'll trade my jammies for shorts and a tee and join them in front of the TV. I think I hear the couch calling my name.

Heat, Holidays, and Clear Lack of Knowing the Requirements

2008-07-04T08:44:00.004-06:00

It's been hot. Damn hot. I'm not sure where the weather-type people take their official readings at, but obviously it's not anywhere near where we real people live. Maybe they're in the cooler at the nearest Maverick or Oasis. Obviously they are not in my truck with me, or they would know it has in fact reached 100 nearly everyday this week. Really. It has. My baby would not lie to me. Even Max, Mike's clearly devoted, diesel-sucking diva is honest enough to report 100+. Even though she's a chronic liar about his driving history. Her allegiance clearly runs to testosterone. (i.e. - she's not about to rat him out for violations of any sort.)

So, in fine family tradition, I received one of Mike's "for you...but secretly for me" gifts last Monday. He splurged and picked up a window AC unit for upstairs. Not that we don't enjoy bathing in the 90+ sauna that is our upstairs getaway. But really, sweat is not sexy on every level. It's actually been bearable up there, though that poor little machine chugs non-stop in an attempt to keep the heat at bay. At least it cools enough at night to shut it off and open windows. There is a decided sigh of coolant relief when I hit that off button.

Obviously, today is the holiday. The calendar says it is so. That means our little town has it's annual 4th of July parade as part of our Sagebrush Days celebration. I don't mind a good parade. I especially enjoy raiding the bag of candy the kid collects from passing floats. I just have one major parade-related gripe. How the hell can you call it a parade without including a marching band?? It's required! Read your official book of parade protocol. It's in there. I promise you. Without the marching band, it's almost not worth going.

Stress is taking its' toll

2008-06-29T08:23:00.003-06:00

Stress. It sucks. It literally sucks life out of you. It does things to your mind and body you'd rather skip. After awhile, it rules your life. Right now, it's running my life.

It's reached the point that I stress over everything - big and small. Do I enjoy worrying about everything? HELL NO! Here's what chronic worry and anxiety get me:

headaches

digestive issues

upset stomach

symptoms of an ulcer

skin problems

profuse sweating

blood sugar issues

insomnia

chronic fatigue

panic attacks

complete lack of sexual desire

heightened PMS symptoms

moodiness

lethargy

relationship issues

anger

helplessness

Wow. Not a pretty list when put down in black and white.

It's hard to get others to understand. For those who deal with stress differently, it's hard to explain why I just can't "Put it aside and stop worrying". It makes me angry to hear someone say, "Well, I don't know why you would worry about that. It's not important."

Stress is having the worst impact on my relationship with Mike. He's a worrier - and had the bleeding ulcer to attest to his habit. But even he doesn't get it. He worries the big things. The little things don't really impact him. I, on the other hand, deal fairly well with the big things. It's the little things that pile up, grow exponentially, and cause the worst damage.

If the laundry is piled as high as Everest, I stress about getting it all done. If the boys don't get their chores done, I blow up. If they leave a mess behind, I rant and rave. If the phone rings too much at work, I want to throw it out the window.

Now that I'm digging around my own head, I guess I see the big things impact me too. Mike has been working in Oregon for most of the last 4 months. It's hard being here alone, or as the only parent/adult. The day-to-day grind is overwhelming at times. Especially with kids at the age known for constantly testing the limits. Throw in working full-time, going to school full-time, health issues/concerns and I'm a mess. If I only had a couple more hours in every day. But then I'd just have more time to fret and stew.

Back in October, Mike was involved in a fender bender. The accident itself wasn't that bad. In the setting sun, he missed a stop sign and hit another car, right where the door and front fender meet. Had some front-end damage to his pickup and insurance deemed the other car totaled since it was old...really old. Well, old enough to not really be worth anything. The other guy refused medical treatment on-scene, and signed for the paramedics to leave. Now, he's retained a lawyer and claims he has more than $25,000 in medical bills. Huh? The letter from our insurance carrier on that little gem made my stomach twist into knots unknown to the most proficient boy scout.

The lack of sex is the elephant in the corner. It's there, but we're damned unable to talk about it reasonably without arguing, or causing hurt, anger, and disappointment. It's killing both of us. Slowly.

If sex, or the lack thereof, is the elephant in the corner, my schooling is the hippo? Cow? Some other big, yet fairly quiet animal. It takes a lot of my time and energy. It cuts into family time. It's the cause of some significant passive-aggressive tendencies and comments in our personal relationship. It's hailed as a good thing, a positive direction to take for our financial future, but there's a lot of underlying hostility surrounding the time I devote to that rather than personal relationships.

Money is tight and expenses are rising. Same sad story for a great portion of the population right now. We need to do a couple major projects before winter and finding a way to pay for them is worrying. Apparently we aren't the only ones trying to find alternative heating arrangements, because a good used wood stove is impossible to find. We're resigned now to the probability of having to buy a new one.

All Mike's medical bills from December (the bleeding ulcer incident) are now finalized and we've made arrangements on them. To the tune of nearly $400 a month. Those checks hurt, in a major way.

Devan has his driving permit. There are days my nerves just can't handle it. On top of that, he took a bad bounce off a friend's trampoline the other day and nearly broke his wrist. Actually, we still haven't received word if there's a break or not. We had it looked at yesterday and the PA didn't see anything obvious on the x-rays, but the radiologist still needs to review. We'll find out on Monday.

Mike's Dad is dealing with some significant health issues right now. And we're 3000 miles away. Mike talks to his folks daily, getting just enough information to spark worry, without getting any real answers. I know his Mom's motivations are good; she doesn't want him to worry because of his ulcer. But all the unanswered questions and partial snippets of information are often harder to deal with than knowing the full story.

My Grandmother is now deep in the clutches of Alzheimer's. In her mind, she's living, once again, on the old homestead of her youth. She's getting worse. On a daily basis.

My other Grandmother is showing significant signs of dementia. Not the same as Alzheimer's, but equally as hard to deal with. They are having a family meeting next weekend to discuss putting her into a facility.

A dear friend is going through a very tough family issue (and issue is far from the right term to describe this) right now, and there's nothing I can do for her or her family, other than be available over the miles to listen. I know she needs support and friendship right now, and I'm 2500 miles away.

My Mom and her SO were here for a visit earlier in the month. They brought the 5th-wheel, despite the high gas prices, so everyone could have space. We have a guest room of sorts, but that many people in the house 24/7 is a little close at times. My brother and SIL did take care of the grocery shopping for me (all meals are prepared and served at my house since I have a kitchen big enough to manage the crowd), which was really a blessing. However, my SIL did precious little to help with meals and clean-up. I'm talking show up maybe 30 minutes before meal time, kids in tow, maybe stir a pot if asked, eat the meal, then retire to the other room or outside. It's like she was oblivious to the time and energy it takes to cook a full sit-down meal for 10 and then clean up afterwards. Thankfully, my Mom is awesome about jumping in on prep work, and clean-up, too. And the boys jumped right in on dishes with nary an argument. They knew I was stressed. And here it is 3 weeks after the fact, and I'm still bugged by it.

OK, so maybe the big things are a little bigger than I realized. I try not to chew on them continuously, but they are always in the back of my mind. Always. So the little stuff that comes up daily rides on top of all that. And some days, it just feels like the boat is ready to sink. Some days the weight is just so much.

I don't remember what it is to be stress-free. To not be tense. And not just mentally tense, but physically. My entire body is always poised and ready to react.

This entry is way longer than I figured it would be. Maybe I should write more often and get things out in small doses rather than producing a novella.

I just want to be able to relax.

2008-06-18T09:52:00.002-06:00

Time to purge the head a bit. Maybe that will allow me to get some sleep at night. Insomnia over exhaustion really sucks. It's not even that my mind won't shut off, I just can't find my sleep switch. I toss, turn, convulse...nothing. The cat tries to comfort, but seeing as her idea of reaching out in comfort includes her 12 claws finding purchase in whatever piece of skin she can reach, well, she's just no help at all. (She's six on each front paw...could there be a relation to Hemingway's famed cats?)

So it's a boring day at work, and I'm doing more news reading than anything else. Not that I don't have work to do, it's just not fun work. Is there every fun work at work?

So I found a few items of interest today. In the news.

Who came up with this idea? Every level of government is finding more and more ways to screw over Joe Citizen. Am I going to find an envelope in my mailbox next week charging me a mail delivery fee? Will the city tack on a fuel surcharge for reading my meter?

Damn, the boss always shows up at the worst times...later.

A slow day at the office

2008-05-28T13:30:00.003-06:00

Dear god, could this day go any slower? I've little to do, and to make matters worse, it's raining outside. That means it is a perfect napping day...were I at home in reach of the couch.

So to pass the time, I'm reading news online. Just a few things caught my eye today, for a variety of reasons.

Like this. Ok, just say the word shark and it scares the shit out of me. What can I say, I was at a very impressionable age when I first saw Jaws. I still refuse to go into deep water. Fresh or salt, doesn't matter. If I have to, I better have a life vest handy, and don't ask me to dangle my feet. Anyway, the question that pops in my head is this: What sort of good is this doing? Thousands of sharks live around there. It is their home. People are the invaders. They live there and people just happen to look like food sometimes. It's a risk we take by going into the ocean. So is this some kind of message sent to the sharks of the area? "Beware! Snack on a surfer/swimmer and you'll be next!"

Or this. Come on folks...it's a damn scarf. It's a fashion accessory. If I utter the words "Uff Da", am I suddenly a Norwegian terrorist hell-bent on attacking the world with lutefisk? (Yes, I come from solid Norwegian stock.) Holy shit we have gotten carried away with all this political correctness shit.

Here's another peach of a story. These are the kind of people allowed to teach our children. Ok, so they removed her from the classroom and "reassigned" her elsewhere. Not good enough. Things like this within a school district should translate into a one strike and you're out ball game. That's my "alleged" opinion, since the "allegations" are unproven as of yet. Bullshit. Get her the hell out and send her for remedial classes.

And speaking of kids, this is just sick. Sick and wrong on too many levels. They say a picture says a thousand words. Yep. That does not look like a chaste kiss to me. Sick SOB.

I really need to find some work to do and stop reading about all the crap in the world. Can't anyone report any good news??

Bits and Bobs

2008-05-18T08:26:00.003-06:00

Wow, it's been awhile. Life has a way of running away with you if you aren't careful. So today, I'm just going to filter out some of the jetsam floating around, broom out the cobwebs, and otherwise declutter. Hmmm, sounds like something I should be doing around the house.

The 5th grade had their annual play this past Thursday and Friday. Wonderful performance! It's amazing that the teachers can get that many kids on the same page at the same time. And for a musical even! Dean didn't have a stage part, opting instead to be part of the stage crew. Those four boys did an outstanding job with the sets and moving things around quickly. His friend from across the street had a solo song to sing and did a great job with that. Go K! And so our elementary years are nearly at a close. Sigh.

The weather has finally straightened out. And in typical Idaho fashion, it's gone from the 50s to the 90s overnight. Damn. I got some of the storm windows off and screens in place yesterday and it's refreshing to get new air in the house. I will be pushing Devan up the ladder to remove remnants of plastic from the second story windows today.

Speaking of Devan, the driving continues. With his permit tucked safely in his wallet (which hasn't come close to the washer since May 7) he's more than willing to drive me all over. He's doing a good job, despite a few bad habits he thinks he needs. We're working on those...patiently.

Devan is also working. Every chance he gets. He's working for my Dad and uncle every weekend, moving pipe, helping in the shop, running the shovel for my Dad on service calls. He's also working for a local farmer moving and setting pipe, and whatever else they find for him. I'm honestly impressed with his treatment of paychecks, too. If it's cash, he takes a little stipend and sends the rest to the bank with me. A paper check goes directly to the bank. He's got nearly $1000 on deposit...I'm honestly a bit jealous.

Mike continues to work in OR. They came home last weekend for Mother's Day. He took me to dinner at one of our local steak houses. Not a national chain-type place full of noise and distraction. This is a very quiet, intimate eatery. Perfect for escaping life and kids for an hour. I had the best steak and shrimp I've had in ages!

He's home again this weekend, too. They had a rough week and accomplished little, so the boss shipped everyone home to get their heads back on straight. It's nice having him home, even if he chooses not to believe that.

Which brings me to a rant, of sorts. Why do men love independant women so fiercely, right up until we prove that we can indeed carry on our daily experience despite their absence? I'm not sure how my ability to take care of whatever comes up translates into not wanting/needing him around. He's gone. Things still need to be handled. I'm here. I must find a way to handle them. Period. I'm a smart girl with a good head on solid shoulders. I'm also not the type to fall apart and wring my delicate little hands at the slightest hint of a problem. I tend to take care of business and fall apart later.

Yes, the stress of being the only parent/adult does get burdensome at times. Yes, I miss him with every breath. But I can't fall apart, hide in a corner, or run screaming for the hills. I deal. And I deal the best I can, sometimes in very trying circumstances. The days get long, the nights tend to be short, and sometimes the stress builds. That's why I love it when he comes home, even if I seem grumpy.

Enough of that...for now.

Before I head off for the day's chores, just a few observances:

I discovered, in watching other play-goers on Friday night, I'm not necessarily the social misfit I often think I am. I'm a t-shirt and jeans kind of Mom. I don't wear the latest styles, the smartest shoes; I don't visit my stylist every four weeks for a trim and highlights; I don't have beautiful nails or a french pedicure. But I also don't have hair that is brown, red, and orange. Virulent orange. I don't look sloppy. I don't have a full calf-length tat of gouls and screaming demons. And I certainly don't put my body in a tight mini-skirt with a spaghetti tank that gives me uni-boob and head out in public. I look okay after all.

Despite the obvious lack of snow, people still can't find the lines in the parking lot at the grocery store and park in an orderly fashion. People, they are yellow lines. Aim for the area between them! If you have an over-sized vehicle, park at the end of the lot in two spots, DON'T park right up front and leave your ass hanging out in the driving lane three feet.

Do not tell a grumpy woman to "just start bleeding". Those are fightin' words.

Do not tell a woman who lives life surrounded by men of all ages that she is a man-hater. Just as you profess to not understanding the ways of estrogen at times, we are also struck, at times, with the inability to understand how a penis gets in the way of logical thought. We deal with you the best we can, just as you deal with us. Sometimes we can't understand, but we still have to coexist.

And finally, ladies, please, I'm begging you, just look in the mirror once in awhile before leaving the house. If you have 10 pounds of muffin top oozing out the top of your painted on jeans, it's not a good look. Mom jeans up to the eyebrows aren't any better. Just shoot for something that splits the difference.

An unexpected day off

2008-04-23T09:08:00.003-06:00

I'm home today. Ahhh, the rest, the relaxation, the doing whatever the hell I want to do. >>SLAP<<

Wake up and smell the burnt coffee woman! I'm not home for my own leisure. I'm home because the youngest kid woke up pale as a sheet, dizzy and clammy, running for the bathroom. So much for the rest. The relaxation. The doing whatever the hell I want to do. No, I'll have plenty to do today. Not that it doesn't need done, of course. I just don't like being pushed into it.

So what am I going to do for a good portion of the day? Clean every blessed thing he might have touched in the last 24 hours.

I made the required run to the grocery store after getting him settled in. Because...well, what mom is stocked up on 7-up, jello, and fruit gushers when someone cops the stomach flu? But, I also managed to load up on some cleaning stuff.

Seriously, I needed to do a good scrub down throughout the house. And since I clean on the "want to" system, it doesn't get done as frequently as it should. Now that we've moved to the "have to" system, I discovered why I didn't "want to". I had very little in the way of cleaning supplies! What kind of wife and mother have I become? I have a 6-pack of Comet...which doesn't work at all well on hardwood floors. Pledge wipes (damn lazy is what I am) that don't work at all well on doorknobs and faucet handles. And some sort of fancy spray degreaser that hubby bought. He buys these things, but doesn't use them.

So now I have a brand new bottle of Pinesol, 2 containers of Clorox wipes, and some multi-purpose wipes. And I'm not afraid to use them. Just as soon as I finish my coffee, I really "have to" start cleaning.

The things kids do

2008-04-14T23:26:00.003-06:00

How in the world do you chastise your kids for doing something technically wrong, when it is fall on your ass funny?

DH and the boys were outside working tonight, trying to stay out of my hair so I could finish my final exam. I went to visit after I finished and soon found out they'd been having a few laughs at my expense. I told DH the top of his work bench would last longer if he sanded everything down and treated it with something.

This started the stories of how they KNEW mom would walk in and start with comments like "If you would've cut this here, you could do this." Or, "If you change the way this is laid out, you'd have room for that." So they haul me to the other shed to show me the old work bench (non-treated) and that it was just fine because of all the 'oil products' spilled over the years. Ok, they had a point...but anyway. This is what started the initial laughing.

So the kid starts relating a story from school and can't get through it for the laughing. It seems he came up with a brilliant idea; and yes, it really was pretty good. He supplied the change and a friend the super glue. Do you see where it's going yet?

They superglued quarters to the hallway floor and waited around to see what happened. As it turned out, EVERY teacher that passed, and quite a few students, as well, tried their damnedest to get those quarters off the floor. It was so bad that a handful of teachers, after failing on the first, moved on to the second, and failing there, went to the third.

By the time he made it through the story I nearly had tears running down my face. I had to tell him that while it was enormously funny, he needed to watch out or he'd get busted for defacing the school.

But damn, I laughed my ass off. He was doing imitations of various people trying to pick them up. His impression of the football coach was too much. The lumbering, the struggling to bend all the way to the floor, the grunting while holding the position. It gets me giggling all over again just typing it.

I guess you have to be the mother of a 15-year old for it to be funny. Then again, watching DH laugh over it was nearly as entertaining as the story itself.

I hope this kid keeps himself out of trouble with all the stuff that rolls around in his head.

Makes a smart assed mother proud!

Absolutely nothing from the depths of my fried brain

2008-04-13T09:43:00.004-06:00

So...this week has been...long, busy, mind-numbing.

It's finals week and the homework is kicking my ass. My physical response is a perpetual headache and exhaustion. Really, it's getting old. But at this point, I'm actually on target to finish with time to spare. I have about 12 problems left on the final and I'm hoping they don't hurt too bad. The assigned problems were awful until I found some help online. It's pretty sad when the online information is far more beneficial than the textbook. The text just sucks.

DH and I have had some spats this week...a far too normal thing anymore. I'm just so sick of it. My physical response is more head pain and some stomach/gut discomfort thrown in for good measure. I also get jittery, like there's a low grade electric current running through my whole body.

Work was busy and boring, by turns. Monday and Tuesday were so busy that 8 hours a day weren't enough to get it all done. By Thursday I was watching youtube videos to pass the time and keeping track of songs played by the local radio station for my son. Friday I asked the boss if I could cut out early to work on finals.

Also found out that doing my taxes for 2008 is not going to be a joyous experience. DH has been working in OR lately. Well, we got his paystub for March in the mail on Friday and I was shocked and just a little pissed to see OR state income tax withheld...a lot of it. I call the office, and she was really no help. I call the CPA we share a building with and talk to my counter-part in the office...she doesn't know and will have to ask him. He's so busy with last minute returns I doubt I'm anywhere on his radar right now. So I hop online and start my research (a nice break from homework). Turns out, OR state law allows for withholding on anyone earning income associated with the state. We've never dealt with this before, even when he was working all over the country. I'm so not looking forward to filing 2 state returns next year.

But today is starting out great! Well, other than finding the dog mess in the basement...but that's not my job to clean up. I had peace and quiet to catch up on mail and net reading, and I drank coffee that was actually hot. And now I've just finished a breakfast of real food that I didn't have to cook! The youngest son got up and decided to make bacon and eggs. My hero!

And thanks to the headache I woke up with, the entire entry is painfully boring and normal. My sense of humor should be back sometime after Monday when I turn in my final. I hope.

There are no words to describe this day

2008-04-09T18:49:00.003-06:00

I just want to curl up in a fetal position and cry my eyes out.

Twice I have typed out a rather long entry. The first was really nasty, so I tried to tone it down. The second started out fine and crumbled from there. It's just not going to be productive to go through this day again, step by miserable step.

Suffice it to say, I am surrounded by penises. Which prevents the brain from working sometimes. Have an issue with a man? Blame it on the penis. It applies to all males 10 and up.

I've had enough, and I'm not done with this day yet. I should be doing homework. I have 6 very painful and rather long accounting problems to do, and I haven't read the two chapters I need to. I have roughly 5 ginormous loads of laundry to do (go do your homework, we'll take care of the wash) and the machines are idle. At this rate, I'll be going commando in more ways than one tomorrow. They melted my iced tea container. And someone left a puddle in front of the commode. I don't have toddlers in the house anymore!

So now I'm upstairs trying to concentrate on homework, and obviously not succeeding because I'm writing this instead. I have a pounding headache. And I really just want to sleep. But now I'm too wired up for that.

WTF was I thinking when I decided to go back to school? How did I think I could really hold it all together? Oh, that's right. I didn't want to be stuck in a dead end job forever. Now I'll get to move on to a great paying job and put half my income toward school debt for the next 10 years.

And there's not a drop of tequila in the house...

Bittersweet

2008-04-08T10:44:00.004-06:00

Today is a bittersweet day. Fifteen years ago, I greeted my first child. Bleary eyed and exhausted, I looked at him in awe. It seemed unbelievable that this cute little wonder had come from me.

However cute, he was still two weeks late and in no hurry to come out on his own. To this day, very little gets his sense of time in a huff.

Today, I saw not a cute little cherub with a gap in his front teeth and chocolate on his chin. Rather, I saw a handsome young man, taller than both his father and I, full of adolescent muscles and fuzzy facial hair. I saw a young man with a teenage strut and shoulder chip. A young man confident in having the world by the tail and the bull by the horns. A young man way short on sleep and grumpy with it. A young man who will be asking for the truck keys in only a month.

Sigh.

Just yesterday, he was climbing in my lap for a cuddle and a kiss. Today, he comes from behind to rub my shoulders and tell me to slow down.

Just yesterday, he brought his ouchies for kisses that only mom could give. Today, he takes his injuries out on the kid across the line or opposing him in the circle and wears the dripping blood as a badge of honor. The cotton wad up the nose is always a nice touch too.

Just yesterday, he greeted me with a joyous "Mommy!" Today, my "Yo, D" to catch his attention on the fly gets a "Yo Mama" in response. (And inspires a dual-sided fit of giggles!)

I'm so thankful I can still laugh and giggle with my little boy; that he hasn't outgrown me completely; that he will still tell me he loves me while on the phone from a friend's house.

Happy Birthday, young man of mine. I'm proud of you in ways you will never understand until you are a parent yourself. I love you with all my heart and am continually awestruck with the person you are becoming.

Love,
Yo Mama.

Another goodbye to a cherished pet

2008-04-06T13:58:00.003-06:00

Even the sky cried.
January 31, 2005

Long lazy muscle stretches
Every time you rise.
That excited meow,
Each and every time, home we'd arrive.

Sharing treats,
even though they weren't good for you.
Your cuddles so wonderful,
whether we were sick, or just blue.

On the corner of my desk
you sat during coffee and email.
Reaching out, paw to cheek,
just to be sure I wouldn't ignore you.

I miss you so much,
the boys, even worse.
I hope you're ok
and gone is the hurt.
We laid you to rest
beneath a favored tree.
Your name etched forever
in the trunk, for all to see.

Rest well, be happy,
lay about in the sun.
Take care of God's house,
keep those mice on the run.

My final farewell
as tears fall from my eyes.
I'll always remember you -
For when you left us,
even the sky cried.

Some of my favorite posts

2008-04-06T13:44:00.004-06:00

I'm pulling some of my favorite posts from my old journal. Call it historical data...whatever. They are things I want to remember...

From January 7, 2007

My Best Girl, Rest in Peace, Baby

Words won't come yet,
It's too soon, I suppose.

Nearly 15 years ago I brought you home,
Just a wee little ball of black fuzz.
You were cute beyond words.

Over the years,
We tried your patience so many times.
Kittens that grew to cats;
Puppies that grew to dogs;
Babies that grew to noisy and boisterous young boys.
And yet...you reigned supreme.

Even when you started growing old,
Even when illness started it's slow march,
You remained a force to be reckoned with.

I knew,
deep down in my heart,
This was to be your last winter.
I could tell you were tired,
that age was wearing you down.
And yet, you kept holding on.

Today, in the quiet of early morning,
You called out to me one last time.
One last look,
One last meow.
As I held you and rocked in your chair,
You slipped quietly away.

I'll miss you Missy Kitty.

Just one of my peeves

2008-04-06T12:43:00.003-06:00

One quick way to set my teeth on edge... Ask the following question, or one of its variations:

1. Are you mad at me?

1a. Are you a little crabby?

1b. Are you hungry? (Because, well, I get really bitchy if I'm too hungry. The whole low blood sugar thing.)

These are especially prone to piss me off when asked within 10 minutes of you gracing my presence.

See, the thing is, I'm fairly easy to read most of the time. If there's a chance I'm mad about something, people are going to know. I'm either yelling about it, getting ready to yell about it, giving you the stone face, pausing to count to ten, or I turn and walk away. My anger is a very apparent emotion; I guess I'm not grown up enough to hide it quite yet. Sad, but true. However sad, it usually means there is absolutely no need to question my feelings. You don't have to ask and get some bitchy answer, and I don't have to try to fake it. It's just easier on everyone all around.

Starting fresh...with nothing to say

2008-04-05T09:35:00.002-06:00

Quite recently, I learned that a friend left our old blogging site behind and started fresh here at blogger. She likes it better, she says. Actually, a few of the blogs I read are based here, and I have to say I like the presentation better than the other site. So, I'm going to give it a shot.

Today isn't the best day to start a new blog. I have nothing witty, sensational, snarky, or poignant to say. I slept in, so I have a sleep hangover and, so far, the coffee isn't burning it off. I should have thought about that before getting the bright idea to get this thing organized.